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Follow you dreams, no matter how terrifying.

I play guitar. Not many people know this about me, as I think of music as being too perfect and too godlike for me to be able to make. Dance has always been easier for me to progress in as I'm not making the music, I am just making the wonderful sounds that other people have created into a visual form.

I was in bands when I was younger, but was always so inhibited I could hardly play. I found work arounds and hoped it would get easier but it took a lot of work for me mentally to prepare for a rehearsal let along a gig. Although some how I did manage them. I usually made myself invaluable to the band in other ways, such as cooking or cleaning or driving to make up for my perceived lack of ability. Which of course just drained me more! My illnesses would always win out and lead to a catastrophic crash. I gave up even trying to play for many years as the dance teaching was too successful and the relationship I was in was just too demanding.

Then everything broke. What was the point at all? During the worst of it I would pull myself out of bed for 10 mins a day and play the darbuka. It was all I could manage, repeating the patterns in my head - Dum tek, tek dum tek. Helped to drown out the worst of the bad thoughts of the way that I had failed everybody.

I wrote on a piece of paper, be the Flamenco dancer, Belly dancer, Guitarist, Musician you have always wanted to be. And little by little each day I did my 5 mins towards each. 6 years later I'm a bit more closer to those dreams.

Last weekend I did something that I had dreamed about for 10 years, ever since Juan Martin started his yearly residential course in Ronda Spain, I went to study with him. Not in Ronda, but in the UK, as when it came up I just knew that it was now or never. So I booked on, which made me practice. The lockdowns for me were a god send, I just wasn't ready and needed more time to practice and prepare. The 2nd time it was postponed was 2 days before hand and I was so grateful!

But this time I knew I had done all I could and needed some input so was glad to be going.

The whole thing was a massive challenge. The biggest shock being that when I arrived, was shown my accommodation and realised there was no lock on any of the rooms. I was the only woman on a course of men I'd never met and I had this completely unexpected, left of field personal safety issue to contend with. I nearly left there and then.

But I stayed and for every "ground please swallow me whole, why the hell did I ever think I could do this" moment was a moment of pure unexpected generosity and magic.

It was life changing. Only time will tell of course on that, and I still have a lot of work to do. Plus I have to basically relearn how to play everything I have worked so hard on for the last 18 months / 10 years. But I'm so proud of myself for doing it.

So if there is something you really want to do and are terrified of, lessen the risks as much as you can by preparing, but go ahead and do it. You really have no idea of what you can gain.

Happy Fan Girl

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